Friday, May 14, 2010

Weading

One week ago a friend of mine got married. Best of wishes to him.An ex roomate of mine got married the same time.In all that joy I couldnt help feeling sad.All the ones I know have been married or are in a relationship that leads to that.I am alone.I couldnt keep her near me, did I make her run?

Why? Why is it so hard to love me ? What is wrong with me ?

These were the questions that troubled me . Will I finally get the love I deserve , the love I need
Wait . Love I need ?? Why do I need anyone to love me , Shouldn't I love my self first and foremost ? Can it be that this is the thing that drove her away? I loved her more than life .She was all I needed . And just to hear her say “I love you “. I never did hear her say that . She got it right. How can you love somebody that doesn't love himself ?
I need to learn to love my self first and face my fears. What are my fear ?
I have no idea I can only guess. But as soon as I know I will let you know .
PS
Maybe it wasn't me maybe it was her .Is she  unlovable ?!?!?!?

Parazit 2

Lijepo jutro, nema kiše, samo mali oblačci krase nebo nježno ploveći ne zastajkujući na putu.
Malene ptičice iskaju hranu veselo grgoljeći samo njima znane pjesmice. Točnost je vrlina, zboreno je prije, no ima li ta poštapalica upliva i u današnjem poimanju. Masovno nema, samo samosvijest svakog zasebno održava je u tinjanju. 30 minuta kasnije pojavljuje se u dvorištu podla nakupina, s smiješkom na licu veseli se svome nametništvu.
„Dobro jutro, moji domaćini, učiniti će mi neobično zadovoljstvo što i danas mogu živjeti od Vas“. Paratvrt Sebastijan sjeda u stolicu i krene provjeravati listu nerada da bi znao od čega početi. U lutanju ljenguzu prekida telefonski poziv, bezobrazni i pokvareni kupac želio bi nešto naručiti, a da pritom ne vodi računa o tome da u tom slučaju Sebastijan mora nešto napraviti. Uz nervozna trzanja i povike prisiljen je saslušati stranku i čak upisati neke podatke. U potpunosti izbačen iz takta Sebastijan se okrene svome spasonosnom lijeku, eliksiru koji ga održava na beskorisnom životu.
„Idem ja, pa dođem“ vikne, i prije no što ga odgovor sustigne izjuri rušeći papire i prazne kutije. Dobrih 1 h nakon odlaska vraća se s smiješkom pobjednika bez bitke. Staklene oći ispraznoga pogleda pričaju nam surovu priču bijedna shvaćanja ikakvih vrijednosti. Nadudan i smiren sjeda na svoje radno mjesto gledajući kroz prozor u dvorište. Putnica namjernica nađe svoj trenutak u trajanju te uđe u halapljivi prdonjin vidokrug plijeneći njegovu pažnju.
Stišćući pauzu na flash online igrici, Sebastijan dobacuje „Vidim ja kako se radi, neradnice, kada bi barem ja mogao tako“ …
I sve vrijeme stane čekajući odgovor sudbine na proljevčinu izričaja.

Neshvaćeni

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Parazit - 1

"Parazitizam (grč. παράσιτος = čankoliz, ulizica), tip simbiotskog odnosa između organizama različitih vrsta u kojem jedan organizam, parazit, ima koristi na štetu nositelja (domaćina).

Paraziti su općenito mnogo manji od svojih nositelja, pokazuju visok stupanj specijalizacije za svoj način života i reproduciraju se brže i u većem broju u odnosu na svoje nositelje."

Zasigurno postoji više vrsta, no ja mogu pisati isključivo o onoj vrsti koja obitava u meni poznatome prostoru. Kako ih prepoznati ? Dugo sam se mučio usavršiti ovu tehniku pošto pravi parazit nikada ne nastupa direktno, skriva se muklo i podlo napadajući iz prikrajka (nešto kao komunist samo van političkog konteksta). I nakon dugo vremena otkrih parazitčinu enormnih razmjera, upravo je nevjerojatno da se uspio prikriti sve ovo vrijeme, zamagliti pogled pravednosti i pomutiti bistrinu izvora sreće.
Nazvati ćemo ga „Sebastijan“. Gnjida, sisač i podlica nevjerojatan je primjerak koji u potpunosti doslovno odgovara službenom opisu njegove vrste. Pošto je ovaj čankoliz evoluirao i više se ne hrani na jednom domaćinu nego uspješno ždere više njih. Nazvati ćemo njegovu podvrstu „Paratvrt“ ili Parazit u tvrtci.

Neshvaćeni

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Umnih, tražih,

Ritam, polako osvaja moja čula, vuče me k sebi tražeći topli zagrljaj. Kao i svaka druga povodljiva drolja u potpunosti se predajem privlačnome bubnjanju i umirujućem dahu kiše.

Čekajući iskah razlog samog čekanja, što mi samo nameće daljnje umanjenje glede smisla. Kako bi sve bilo jednostavnije da rijeke ne trebaju smjer već samo koheziju kapljica kao svrhovitost opravdanja.

Potjeran prijekom potrebom trčim k nepoznatom u htjenju da me sve jača nada neće iznevjeriti. Grozomoran razlog moje žurbe biva u potpunosti potjeran, izbačen grubo bez razmišljanja čime se naznaka spokoja krene nazirati u turobnosti trenutka.

Može li se išta reći, može li hrabrost progovaranja negirati nepotrebnost izričaja ?
U potpunosti je razvidno da apsolutni nedostatak intelektualnog zadatka na kraju ima potrebu za besmislenim gubitkom vremena. Ne postoji razlog koji može objasniti isključivo nadomještanje realnosti pomno složenom umjetnom slikom. Da li je uopće nužno znati pozadinu, što zaokuplja pažnju ? Čak više je no potrebito odvajanje od samokritične vizije onoga što nikada neće biti. Na kraju ostanemo iznenađeni dimenzijom poricanja odgovornosti čije posljedice snosimo prije no se dogodio uzrok.

Njegova beživotna tjelesina mirno leži pod našim nogama. Slavan mač u tišini sječe zemlju ostavljajući trag neuspjeha. Snažan drhtaj prožima me cijela, budeći prelijep nagovještaj divna oćuta. Slabašan impuls općeg zadovoljstva stisne mi jaja tjerajući dlake na podizanje. Galopirajućom brzinom pristigne me divlja erekcija koja mi na kraju potvrdi da je sve napokon gotovo. Ne vjerujući u sretnu istinu nevjerojatno sladosršće natjera me na životinjsko glasanje ranjena medvjeda te divlje, nekontrolirano svršavanje po tipkovnici, mišu i monitoru. Sav znojan i opušten usudim se napokon sagledati cijelu sliku i čestitati svima. Postigli smo nevjerojatan doseg, nešto što će se spominjati generacijama s strahopoštovanjem. Priče o nama plašiti će malu djecu u trenutcima neposlušnosti, starce tjerati u plač i skrivanje pogleda poradi sramote nesudjelovanja.
Otjeram misli, i ukočenim nogama ustajem s stolice, trčim do prvog prozora trgajući bravu kako bi ga prije otvorio. Kao i svaki velikan skupljam oguljene dlanove oko usta i uzimam dah. Došlo je vrijeme da svijet sazna i da se divi. „LITCH KING JE MRTAV“. Da li sam normalan ?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Free Time

Having more free time is a bad thing. After getting dumped recently I got  a lot of it. The bad part  is  when you are in love you  start  to  think about it.What did  you  do wrong,is it something you said is it something you didn't say? Is it that comment that she looks beautiful to you even if she is at her worst ?Maybe it is because I was  not too supportive of her .. no wait scratch that, If anything I was too supportive .How is it that this thing can end I love her. I fucking love her. I would die for her ... worse I would die without her.
Panic. What will I do? I have to  make her see I love her and she will be happy with me. If only she would understand.
Then you hear a voice  in the back of your  mind. So distant and vague you cant understand it. Try to  calm down and listen ,just listen. It is the reason talking. The heart is calm now and the reason talks and you listen .

-How would you  feel if you were  with someone you dont love? Would you stay with them just so  they would be happy ?
-But i did  everything for her, everything she asked I never argued with her how can she not love me ? I am good person!!!! says the heart.
And you feel even worse because you start to  realize that someone you wanted to  make happy wasn't happy with you and the reply you got " it isnt you it is me " hurts even more . Maybe she will get a new boyfriend and she will love him but he wont so when she is hurt she will come back to me and she will love me.
But the reason again gains a bit strength and the thoughts are more calm.
Hope for a new day. New love. Someone that will love me as much as I can love her. That is the thing  a person needs to  live for. The love I felt was real , strong and honest so all the best to her and may she find that what she wands because has shown me that I can love .That is what matter most. I didnt love her because she was rich or  good looking , I loved her because she was a good person . I found her lovable.
But I am still alone  and my free time is up thank god.
The Clown

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Real Life vs Warcraft

Some time in the near past I was a passionate gamer.I played World of Warcraft with such knowledge at moments I even amazed my  self. I started as all a noob  but soon managed to  reinvent my self in the game. I had everything I needed there.But in time I did  find out I was missing  things like talking to  people I can see  and their image isnt just pixels.So I did  the  unthinkable  for  me and  quit  3 years long game play. I did get a RL. and I loved it .Till it got  to  me and hit me in the face.

Real  life is like playing WoW on a PvP server.It sucks !!!!!!!


So as I was devastated I was  looking for  an easy way out, somewhere  to  hide  from the world I got back to the game.It  was same  as always , same people, same problems. It was great .Because if you  have time to  think about things that hurt they will hurt  more.That is what those  games know ant  use against us.It is not any different than any drug. you pay  for  it , you  get addicted to it, you  forget  the ones around you. All that matters is online,the family you  have online and getting the next raid  boss because  he might  drop that great piece of armor.I mean come-on it has a great drop rate  5% . Ask anyone that ever played or still is playing wow  to  see how  good 5% drop rate is.I went 16 times in an instance ( that is 16 different days ) to  get a weapon for a friend. And finally he got  it.It was so fulfilling to hear him so  happy and excited .It was the reward for all the hard work.In  about 3 days he got in a raid and got  a better one.
   There  was a time when a friend from the same guild made me an epic gun for free.It  was nearly  1000 gold to  make it and he  give it to  me for my birthday , best present I got and even today I say it was among the best presents because that guy actually  spent 2 weeks getting the pieces and ingredients  for it. Maybe he was bored and had nothing better to do but  think about it, when was the last time you  spent 2 weeks to make something  as a present for someone ?
Unfortunately there  are the bad times too.
The frustrated elitist priks that think they know all and how the hell did  someone let you  play the game when you have no idea how to play it.You need to  learn the game and read the forums and the support sites and to  understand .. sorry to learn the mechanics of the game.Then and only then you can talk to them and put up with their shit.
Just frustrated people .this ones are frustrated from all sorts of things ranging from work, coworkers, boss,wife,kids etc. They come to  the game just to  frustrate other people and show off how they know everything and  their opinion is to  be valued.
Kids.They are the  worst of all.Kids with no life,no friends just trying to  make some virtual friends and when you do take them in they  will do as all kids do  get older and leave .No respect for helping them with currency getting them gear ,teaching them the game, putting up with them while you  wait for them to  lie to their parents that they dont play  or they are sleeping  and asking all to  keep it down because they have  you  on speakers.
Thiefs. Yes there  thiefs in WoW too.They come to  your guild or instance ad steal all the stuff they can find.
And last there  are the good people.There  are actually good people playing the game but there are  not a lot of them.About 10 on every 100.Just like in real life.This are genuine good people that do  relax with the game play for few hours and off to bed..Mostly this are  older hard working family people. The game is bearable just because of them otherwise it wouldn't be playable.
So you  see that Warcraft is like real life.same kind of people with only distinction here you  can chose who you are  you  can make yourself in any of this characters and be something you are not in real life and you  will start to  love it.That is why we tend to  hide  from life in this games.
But you can always quit a game but cant  quit on life.No matter  how hard you try to  hide for life it will find you  and hit you  in the face.Look at it as life is playing tag with you  only  life make the rules so...
you are IT  :)

The Clown

First post best title ever

Cloudy day. Just like  I am feeling. Sitting at  work wandering why did I bother to  get up this morning. Still  feeling  the pain from the unexpected brake up, trying to get a grip  on my life so I can continue  living and stop  being a plant. It hurt to see  her again happy but it hurt more when I saw pity in her eyes. She felt sorry for the pore clown . People do  look at me with pity these days .I do hate it  but  when I do  think better even I would look at my self with pity so it is  OK I guess. But the  worst is when you get “friends” to  help you ease your pain by telling them  the things that hurt you and they just use it to  feel better about themselves  or to  have some gossip to  tell others.
Need to  stop thinking gloomy thoughts. Hmm m . It is kinda hard. What is the good think in all this?
Well I am still alive , I do  wake up every morning ,I did find out that I do  have some really good friends even people I have never meet in person. People took my side and that is a minor victory even if I did lose the war if you  can call love  war.  But that will give me strength for the next one. I should start looking  more in the future than trying to  fix the past I know that.
I don't mind being funny for my friends. This one is for them
The Clown